First Impressions: GoldenEye (1995)

In a recent Reel Questions, Jams Bond fans voted for me, a Bond novice, to break into the series with the GoldenEye (1995), with Pierce Brosnan as the Bond-incarnate. As a fan of spy-themed movies and shows, I was looking forward to starting the series, but almost immediately after turning it on, regretted it. If you have fond memories of this movie, you should stop reading now, because I’m about to completely ruin it.

Right away, I realized I’d expected too much from this series. Like every bad movie all rolled into one, even when it seemed like things couldn’t get any worse, they invariably did. I knew the early films were supposed to have that high level of camp and silliness, the stuff that we forgive when watching old movies and shows, but did not anticipate seeing it in a modern film. For the first half (until giving up), I was asking myself why a movie that came out in 1995, seem like it really arrived via time machine from the middle 1960’s? Throughout the whole movie, Bond would just run into a room, or pop up out of a tank, always appearing at the site of mayhem; causing a fair amount of it himself, and never actually commuting. Pierce seemed a little old for the role, so that may have had something to do with it.

The writing and specifically the dialogue were almost criminally bad, example:

“It wasn’t god who gave me this face…t’was you.”

--006,

Spoken like a true master of revenge. This combined with the chincy sets and costumes, hopeless acting, and “special effects”, made for a really irritating viewing experience, and I started hoping that it would just end suddenly, so I could have some of my life back. So what is it? Am I missing the point completely, or is it really just a shit film? Was expecting a solidified story, a show of effort in technological advancement, and Bond’s interactions with people be even slightly believable, too much to ask?

It was at this juncture I told myself I was taking the whole thing too seriously, and decided to lighten up. If I took it for what it was, it could still workout to be a good action film, and live up to the hype and praise. Wrong. I even tried to spot it some points, thinking they were just using this film to poke fun at the genera, but that theory got elbowed almost immediately. If it was supposed to be a satire on the series, then it was like watching Austin Powers without the jokes. Unless you count the James Bond Lesson on how to escape from a helicopter using missiles scene, that was hilarious (see companion notes).

Ultimately, I was able to take away from the film was that the characters were flat, the writing was tragic, and the tech was embarrassing. Bond came off more creepy than sexy—after all, what’s hotter than a cold-blooded killer/sex maniac with extreme control issues, who doesn’t even seem that good at being a spy? Not one time did anyone shout: “welcome to the machine, Bond!”; a missed opportunity, and the bathroom fight scene between Bond and the Lady Assassin was officially the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. It was more like watching 1960’s Batman, minus the amusing costumes, better writing, and higher-quality effects.

And now for the fun part. Here are my real-time companion notes to the film, full of my initial reactions, quotes from the film, and Batman allusions; think of it as GoldenEye’s Dark Side of Oz.

• Didn’t know it was going to be funny.
• 006?
• These guys are much more like mercenaries, they’re killing everyone in their paths—hey, what did those scientists do to you?
• With no basis of comparison, Pierce Brosnan seems to make a pretty crappy Bond.
• Unanticipated trash can avalanche, well played Bond.
• Terminator run!
• Question: is he going to kill all these Russian soldiers? Answer: Yes
• These shitty props and stunts are showing me that I’ve given this way too much credit already.
• It’s just like me to get excited when I see Alan Cumming’s name in the credits, now I have something to anticipate.
• I like his car, I’m watching Top Gear, I’m learning cars!
• This soundtrack is stupid.
• It’s official, 15 minutes into the movie, I’ve seen ever cliché in cinema.
• I didn’t know it was gonna be like this—are they all like this? This is a farce!
• I like spy stuff, I was hoping to be impressed.
• Is this a card game or a staring contest?
• Ew, ew, ew.
• James Bond never commutes anywhere he goes, he just appears at that place! At least make me think you’re working for it.
• I am SO glad Paddy Mack didn’t take this role.
• Space Weapons Control Center. Operation: Laser Beams.
• I like to see Alan Cumming play fancier characters.
• This would have been fine as a regular action movie, but all this James Bond stuff is ruining it.
• James Bond is not a sex addict, he is a control addict.
• John Drake didn’t want damaged goods, but James Bond is all about it, he lives for drama.
• James Bond: “Numbers aren’t my strong-suit” I believe that.
• Great, the Russians blew up the world, isn’t that a little above James’ skill-set?
• Would GoldenEye be interested in taking a moment to explain the plot?
• Distraught lady, you don’t know this yet, but you’re about to be James Bond’s next shtupp.
• HQ, you’ve got James and M in the same control room for a presentation and you can’t get the satellites to work—embarrassing.
• I like M.
• This is basically Batman, and until I watched it, didn’t realize I remembered so much about Batman.
• Is this supposed to be like this—am I missing a joke?
• If this were done in a more serious manner, it would be really good. Instead of being an exciting action film, it’s like watching a less funny version of Austin Powers.
• Uh-oh Bond, that Russian’s gonna shoot your dick off.
• So I’m starting to get Bond’s not exactly a by-the-book kind of agent.
• Wow, this is a first, the fight scene between Bond and the lady assassin is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.
• I’m not a feminist, and I’m actually pretty sexist, but this is ridiculous.
• 006, you’re alive! 007, you seem honestly surprised by that, cute.
• Where the hell are they, The Statue Forest? It looks like a haunted house maze.
• “It wasn’t god who gave me this face…t’was you” –006
• It’s 1995, why does the technology look like it’s from the 60s?
• James Bond Lesson: If you wake up trapped in a missile-launching helicopter with your hands tied, all you have to do is smash the controls with your face twice, thus activating the missile, they will subsequently fire, return, take out the blades, and voila, you are free!
• Okay, this one is a parody on the old one's, it’s making fun of itself now.
• Is GoldenEye like Eagle Eye?
• You’re out of order! This whole court is out of order! – this is no way to interrogate hostages.
• James Bond pretends to be classy and isn’t, John Drake pretends not to be and is.
• Tank attack! Guess who? James Bond!
• “Fuck your fucking buildings!” –James Bond in a tank
• I’ve got it! This is like watching MacGruber!
• The tank got a statue! In related news, the statue was both a Pegasus and a Unicorn at the same time, and I’m pretty sure that’s not even legal.
• 006 = Two Face
• Lady Assassin = Poison Ivy
• Yeah, that Darth Vader train won’t attract any attention.
• Ram-ming Speeeeed!
• So if he kills the girl in the process of trying to save her, does that still go as one in the win column?
• There’s gonna be a lot of paperwork on this one, James
• So it looks like the real hero of this movie is Alan Cumming
• 006 isn’t a very impressive villain
• Oh, excuse me James Bond, I thought the world was in eminent danger, but take all the time you need for a Caribbean sex romp with the computer programmer!
• He is the most unprofessional spy I’ve ever seen! He doesn’t even really seem to be that good at it!
• And what’s all this crybaby bullshit about 006 betraying him—like he’s never been betrayed before, suck it up.
• Just when I think things can’t get worse—they do!
• Oh my god! Alan Cumming, what are you doing with 006!?! You jerk! Well, on the upside, I guess this role turned out to be a little fancier than it seemed.
• Boris (Alan Cumming) = The Riddler
• Mega satellite slide!
• The stick-on bombs look like restaurant pagers
• “Welcome to the machine, Bond!” – is something at least one person should have said by this point.
• Wow, what doesn’t GoldenEye do? Can it send you back in time to put right what once went wrong?
• Uh-oh, pen grenade.
• Why did they take the elevator in an explosion/fire?
• 006 and 007 look like they’re playing paintball, and missing a lot.
• He breathes loud
• This movie would have been better if there had been at least one dirigible
• James Bond, you fiend! That’s pretty gross to just say dropping 006 is for you and then actually do it! You seem pretty unstable James, maybe you should talk to someone when this is all over.
• This movie is a crime against cinema
• James, if you didn’t even know you were surrounded by Marines just now, you are the worst spy of all time.
• Wow, that was bad.

♥ ♥ ♥

Ten Movies That Cause Permanent Psychological Damage

With the recent release of the fourth installment of the Scream franchise, box office totals are showing that moviegoers are as ravenous as ever for new horror films. With the Scream series, best known for being more like a parody of horror movies, almost taking a playful approach to the genera, I began to wonder is it the gore, the suspense, the punch-drunk, roller coaster-ride feeling of being frightened, or a combination of them that keeps viewers flocking to theaters in droves to intentionally be scared.

To me, the scariest films are those that don’t just try to shock you with the most realistic ways to kill people, as with the Saw and Hostel series’, but that are more subtle in nature, person-to-person, a story building to a disturbing climax, and leaving you feeling like you have actually sustained damage to your psyche. The kind of films that make you pull a muscle from jumping in your seat, and trying to hid it from everyone else in the room, or just knowing that what you’re seeing is going to cause nightmares later. When the impending doom finally creeps up on the protagonist, and there really is no way out, the seeds of terror have been planted in our impressionable minds. So putting all of this into perspective, I begun to think about what the most psychologically damaging movies I’ve ever seen were, and assembled a list of the top ten.

Some of these films you’ve never heard of, and likely many of you would over-look them due to their age, but let me remind you, in days before slasher films, the only way to scare audiences was with intellect and well-planned psychological attacks. Often social standards and censorship kept filmmakers from coming right out with it, so they had to think of more creative and creepy ways to get their points across. So if you want to have your pants scared off—I mean really scared off, forget about release dates, the absence of color (which, when used effectively, can add to the terror), and open your mind.

NOTE: I’m going to tread lightly here, so as not to ruin the endings of these films, so as best as I can, I’ll be leaving out spoilers.

10 Suddenly, Last Summer (1959)

Starring the recently departed legend, Elizabeth Taylor, alongside Montgomery Clift and Katharine Hepburn, this story is disorienting, and ultimately incredibly disturbing. Watching is like walking into a trap right along side psychologist, Dr. Cukrowicz (Montgomery Clift), who tries to get into the tortured mind of Catherine (Elizabeth Taylor), his investigation eventually leading him to visit the foreboding and lavish home of her aunt Violet (Katharine Hepburn) to find out what’s really driven Catherine mad. With a scenario so controversial for the time, the story is almost spoken in code, dancing around the specifics, that by the time you realize what’s going on, it’s too late. This story falls like dominoes, and showcases stellar acting from a top-notch cast, making for a one-of-a-kind film.

9 The Wicker Man (1973)

This film fills you with a since of dread and despair almost from the opening credits, as you watch, you know whatever’s coming is not good. Sergeant Howie (Edward Woodward) is flown to a remote island with the deceptively benign name of Summerisle, to investigate the disappearance of a young girl, and almost as soon as he’s dropped off things take a terrible turn. He finds himself in the midst of a community of sexually perverse inhabitants, practicing unusual and disturbing pagan rituals, all forcefully unwilling to help his investigation.

Trapped on the island, his escape plans are constantly foiled, and he is regularly pursued by the inhabitants, seeming to want to both convert and destroy him. As desperation sets in, watching the man unravel is frustrating and heart-breaking. When it finally becomes clear what the real reason is that he has been brought to the island, he realizes that he is beyond hope of escape or being helped. The eventual culmination of the sickening intentions of the inhabitants result in what may be one of the most iconic and painful-to-watch scenes in cinema.

8 The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Yeah-yeah-yeah, I know, laugh it up. Seriously though, when this film first debuted it was absolutely, primaly terrifying, skillfully reducing viewers to childlike states-of-mind. In a devastating terror spiral, a well-intentioned group of meddling students pursue a seemingly harmless legend, when everything goes right off the rails. Tormented by some unseen and shockingly powerful force, the trio gets lost, starts to mentally break down, and turn on each other.The fact alone that the film was made for next to nothing and still as frightening as it turned out to be, is a feat to be commended now that it’s no longer a source of parodies and ridicule. I dare anyone to forget the final scene when everything comes together, and the realization that what they’d been pursuing, was really pursuing them.

7 The Pianist (2002)

Though technically not a horror movie, the realism portrayed is literally stomach-turning and gruesome beyond compare. The most unsettling element being the realization that this story is very much steeped in truth. At the end of the day, what humans do and have done to each other is more disgusting and deplorable than anything any fiction writer could come up with. In a first for me, while watching, I had to leave the room several times for fear of vomiting, and was emotionally disturbed by it for days afterward. I will never watch this movie again, but feel obligated to recommend it.

6 Cape Fear (1962)

Robert Mitchum, one of the best and most versatile actors in this history of the medium, could fill any role in any time period, but to watch him play scary is really something to behold. In the original incarnation of this film, he is the calm, calculated villain Max Cady, who will stop at nothing to destroy Sam Bowden (Gregory Peck) and take over his family. His relentless hunt for them, for his own twisted reasons, will keep you on the edge of your seat, wondering how much worse things are going to get when things go to a whole other level. Though the film is not frightening in the traditional scary movie sense, the level of realism will make you believe that not only could this happen, but it probably has.

In the scene where Max swims out to the boat where the Bowden family is hiding, is like an exact nightmare scenario that parents warn their daughters about. Watching as he corners Sam’s wife Peggy (Polly Bergen), towering over her, and coolly intimidating her, then breaking an egg in his hand, strategically splattering it over her skin, then suggestively rubbing it in, is nothing short of bone-chilling.

5 The Orphanage (2007)

A Spanish film, produced by Guillermo del Toro, this film is not only well-made, but specializes in misdirection. The close relationship between a mother, and her HIV-positive, adopted son is established early on, while she and her husband work to restore their home back into an orphanage, as the title would imply. As with most intense and scary movies, they start of with the best of intentions, but very unusual obstacles start to arise, including the disappearance of her son. Desperate to find him, and with no evidence to go on, it would appear he vanished into thin air. In her frantic search, she decides to play a ‘game’ with the spirits her son was aware of, believing that an unseen force is responsible for his disappearance, and by engaging them, they leave her clues to his whereabouts.

Banking on the misdirection theme, this is the kind of film that builds so eerily to conclusion, that it sneaks up on you, and is a rarity, in the way that even as jaded a viewer as I am, never saw coming. Though I’m not someone who often has physical reactions to movies (other than some of the one’s mentioned on this list), there were two scenes in particular that nearly caused me to faint.

4 The Ring (2002)

Another film that is now referred to almost jokingly, it’s important to remember it’s widespread impact when it first debuted. An American remake of Ringu, a Japanese film, the story centers around a journalist who begins to follow the trail of yet another unexplainable mystery, that ends up having devastating consequences. With so many new and frightening elements that keep arising after it seems everything is settled, it is a rare occasion to see a movie in this day and age with the actual ability to disturb your peace-of-mind.

The first time I saw this film was in a theater, and I had no idea what to expect. I was intrigued from the vague trailers, but they did not even come close to illustrating what would unfold. Once the film ended, I was jarred, but impressed that it was able to scare me so much, until that night when I tried to go to sleep. Not since I was a child had I had an instance when I was afraid to pull my head out of the covers, for fear of the evil entity of Samara (Daveigh Chase), would be standing there waiting for me to do it. Watching this film was the most frightened I ever remember being since watching Halloween for the first time around the age of 11.

3 The Night of The Hunter (1955)

You’ve likely never heard of this film, but I can tell you, it’s a must-see, both for a good scare, and as a cinematic cornerstone. It’s also a testament to Robert Mitchum’s prowess as an actor to get a second mention on this list. This is the type of film that puts the full emphasis on the story, acting, and cinematography, and the social constraints and censorship of the time, actually work in it’s favor. Also not a horror movie in the traditional sense, there’s really nothing more to know about it other than Mitchum plays Harry Powell, a ‘reverend’ using his interpretation of Christianity to terrorize two children who are tasked with the burden of keeping a secret of their father’s about a lot of stolen money.

He relentlessly pursues the children, often singing Christian hymns in the dark of night, taking his time, knowing he can catch them whenever he’s ready. The pursuit, coupled with the manipulation of religion, including the words ‘love’ and ‘hate’ tattooed across his fingers—that you know in your heart he scrawled his self, Mitchum embodies a man with the determination of a Terminator, whom you could easily picture standing outside your own home on a dark night. In one instance, the children try and escape by boat while he calmly rides his horse after them. The suspense is go great you will be screaming “GET IN THE BOAT! GET IN THE BOAT!” at the tv, just as I did.

2 The Exorcist (1973)

One of the most well-known films of all time The Exorcist takes many of the themes mentioned in this list, and amplifies them to 11. So shocking and graphic, moviegoers both flocked and fled from theaters in great numbers. Patrons fell ill, fainted, and were pushed to their limits by this ground-breaking film, that is still as frightening now as it was when it debuted.

In a tale as old as time, an innocent young girl is possessed by a demonic force, though this particular force claims to be Satan his self. Employing elements never seen before in film, such as the use of subliminal imagery, the iconic twisting head, terrifying backwards crab walk, and violent sexual subjection of the young girl, can be too much for even seasoned movie-viewers. There are so many lasting impressions made by this film, that it damages the psyche like a virus, and isn’t likely that anyone who’s seen it will ever forget the gung-ho attack on the mind, preying on the primal fear of being caught in the crosshairs of what we don’t actually understand.

1 The Changeling (1980)

About now you should be objecting to The Exorcist being ranked number two. After all, how could any other movie be more frightening than The Exorcist? By not even trying, that’s how. The Changeling is a movie both chilling and intelligent enough to allow you to figure out what’s going on alongside the lead character, John Russell played by the stoic George C. Scott.

Starting a new life after the nightmarish and sudden death of his wife and daughter, Russell moves into a house and quickly finds himself in the middle of a secret seemingly waiting for him to break wide open. Not easily persuaded, Russell is almost forced to pay attention to the peculiar sounds and happenings going on in the house. In his search, he finds a hidden, and sealed door leading to a small room in the attic, that both explains some of the happenings, and points to a terrible and disheartening reality of the cause of the disturbance, and the need for it to be revealed.

This movie employs a rarely-seen realistic view of a skeptical man struggling with his own demons as well as unsolicited paranormal occurrences, and using rational, scientific methods to put the clues together. When seeing it for the first time, you will find almost every element in the film has been borrowed, reused, or paid homage to, and acts as something of an ambassador of suspense and horror films. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, and admittedly, I’m not above it myself. This movie remains one of the best under-rated films of all time, and definitely one of the most frightening.

Use caution when viewing these films for the first time, they can cause permanent psychological damage, and leave you with a lingering fear that the Reverend Powell, an evil entity, or a pack of pagans in grotesque costumes are waiting to jump out at you around the next corner. It’s true, some things cannot be unseen, but I can tell you from experience, sometimes it’s worth it.

♥ ♥ ♥

What I've Learned About Life from John Hughes

For those of us who grew up in the '80's and '90's, watching John Hughes films was like a rite of passage, and often a constant presence during our formative years. I spent countless hours watching classics like The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and the Thanksgiving epic Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, again and again, never realizing that all the while, important life lessons were being downloaded into my impressionable young mind. Now as an adult and a screenwriter/filmmaker, I’ve since viewed many of these films more critically, finding that not only do they stand the test of time, but that Hughes was walking us through scenarios of living as an outcast, judging others, taking chances, and navigating love triangles, like practice drills for real life situations we would face. In honor of this new-found perspective, and fear that these films are being lost on younger generations, I’ve assembled a list of some of those lessons that I hope I’m not alone in learning from, (even if I didn’t always take the advice).

Everyone thinks they are weird
This theme is almost universal in Hughes films. Regardless of a character’s social status, everyone feels like they’re the odd-man-out, which comes as a welcome consolation to awkward teens, and life-crisising adults trying to remember who they were before their heart died.


Be ready to perform your own dance sequence at a moment's notice
It doesn’t happen often, but should the opportunity arise, take it. Whether on a float, in a record store, or a library, anything worth doing is worth doing in a dance sequence.


Don't [always] judge a book by it's cover
While Jake Ryan plays against popular jock stereotype, and pursues social misfit Samantha, a group of teens sentenced to a day of detention, find out that none of them are what they appear to be. And if they would have had Facebook in those days, they would find out no one is what they appear to be.


Take a day off once and a while, anything could happen
From the Griswold’s vacations to Ferris’ mental health day, in the two ends of the spectrum, we learn that anything can happen when we set time aside for ourselves. A series of the catastrophic failures, each one worse than the next, to the perfect day of taking the city of Chicago by storm, it’s all just a roll of the dice. Or, as it’s been recently proposed, an elaborate fantasy created by the lonely and abused Cameron.



Sometimes the hard way is the easy way
In Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, when everything goes wrong that can go wrong, and Neal exacerbates the string of disasters by being an uptight asshole, but not until the end of the journey when he’s finally free of Del, does he realize the error of his ways, we learn that no journey is complete without a little self-reproaching introspection.


Even if the movie's not about you, you can still steal a couple of scenes anyway
From Long Duk Dong to beyond obnoxious, older brother Chet, we learn that even when we’re mere bystanders in the events of another person’s movie, we can provide comic relief with a couple of well-timed one-liners, and eventually have our images immortalized on nostalgic t-shirts.