ws, I was looking forward to starting the series, but almost immediately after turning it on, regretted it. If you have fond memories of this movie, you should stop reading now, because I’m about to completely ruin it.
Right away, I realized I’d expected too much from this series. Like every bad movie all rolled into one, even when it seemed like things couldn’t get any worse, they invariably did. I knew the early films were supposed to have that high level of camp and silliness, the stuff that we forgive when watching old movies and shows, but did not anticipate seeing it in a modern film. For the first half (until giving up), I was asking myself why a movie that came out in 1995, seem like it really arrived via time machine from the middle 1960’s? Throughout the whole movie, Bond would just run into a room, or pop up out of a tank, always appearing at the site of mayhem; causing a fair amount of it himself, and never actually commuting. Pierce seemed a little old for the role, so that may have had something to do with it.
The writing and specifically the dialogue were almost criminally bad, example:
“It wasn’t god who gave me this face…t’was you.”
--006,
Spoken like a true master of revenge. This combined with the chincy sets and costumes, hopeless acting, and “special effects”, made for a really irritating viewing experience, and I started hoping that it would just end suddenly, so I could have some of my life back. So what is it? Am I missing the point completely, or is it really just a shit film? Was expecting a solidified story, a show of effort in technological advancement, and Bond’s interactions with people be even slightly believable, too much to ask?
It was at this juncture I told myself I was taking the whole thing too seriously, and decided to lighten up. If I took it for what it was, it could still workout to be a good action film, and live up to the hype and praise. Wrong. I even tried to spot it some points, thinking they were just using this film to poke fun at the genera, but that theory got elbowed almost immediately. If it was supposed to be a satire on the series, then it was like watching Austin Powers without the jokes. Unless you count the James Bond Lesson on how to escape from a helicopter using missiles scene, that was hilarious (see companion notes).
Ultimately, I was able to take away from the film was that the characters were flat, the writing was tragic, and the tech was embarrassing. Bond came off more creepy than sexy—after all, what’s hotter than a
cold-blooded killer/sex maniac with extreme control issues, who doesn’t even seem that good at being a spy? Not one time did anyone shout: “welcome to the machine, Bond!”; a missed opportunity, and the bathroom fight scene between Bond and the Lady Assassin was officially the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. It was more like watching 1960’s Batman, minus the amusing costumes, better writing, and higher-quality effects.
And now for the fun part. Here are my real-time companion notes to the film, full of my initial reactions, quotes from the film, and Batman allusions; think of it as GoldenEye’s Dark Side of Oz.
- Didn’t know it was going to be funny.
- 006?
- These guys are much more like mercenaries, they’re killing everyone in their paths—hey, what did those scientists do to you?
- With no basis of comparison, Pierce Brosnan seems to make a pretty crappy Bond.
- Unanticipated trash can avalanche, well played Bond.
- Terminator run!
- Question: is he going to kill all these Russian soldiers? Answer: Yes
- These shitty props and stunts are showing me that I’ve given this way too much credit already.
- It’s just like me to get excited when I see Alan Cumming’s name in the credits, now I have something to anticipate.
- I like his car, I’m watching Top Gear, I’m learning cars!
- This soundtrack is stupid.
- It’s official, 15 minutes into the movie, I’ve seen ever cliché in cinema.
- I didn’t know it was gonna be like this—are they all like this? This is a farce!
- I like spy stuff, I was hoping to be impressed.
- Is this a card game or a staring contest?
- Ew, ew, ew.
- James Bond never commutes anywhere he goes, he just appears at that place! At least make me think you’re working for it.
- I am SO glad Paddy Mack didn’t take this role.
- Space Weapons Control Center. Operation: Laser Beams.
- I like to see Alan Cumming play fancier characters.
- This would have been fine as a regular action movie, but all this James Bond stuff is ruining it.
- James Bond is not a sex addict, he is a control addict.
- John Drake didn’t want damaged goods, but James Bond is all about it, he lives for drama.
- James Bond: “Numbers aren’t my strong-suit” I believe that.
- Great, the Russians blew up the world, isn’t that a little above James’ skill-set?
- Would GoldenEye be interested in taking a moment to explain the plot?
- Distraught lady, you don’t know this yet, but you’re about to be James Bond’s next shtupp.
- HQ, you’ve got James and M in the same control room for a presentation and you can’t get the satellites to work—embarrassing.
- I like M.
- This is basically Batman, and until I watched it, didn’t realize I remembered so much about Batman.
- Is this supposed to be like this—am I missing a joke?
- If this were done in a more serious manner, it would be really good. Instead of being an exciting action film, it’s like watching a less funny version of Austin Powers.
- Uh-oh Bond, that Russian’s gonna shoot your dick off.
- So I’m starting to get Bond’s not exactly a by-the-book kind of agent.
- Wow, this is a first, the fight scene between Bond and the lady assassin is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.
- I’m not a feminist, and I’m actually pretty sexist, but this is ridiculous.
- 006, you’re alive! 007, you seem honestly surprised by that, cute.
- Where the hell are they, The Statue Forest? It looks like a haunted house maze.
- “It wasn’t god who gave me this face…t’was you” –006
- It’s 1995, why does the technology look like it’s from the 60s?
- James Bond Lesson: If you wake up trapped in a missile-launching helicopter with your hands tied, all you have to do is smash the controls with your face twice, thus activating the missile, they will subsequently fire, return, take out the blades, and voila, you are free!
- Okay, this one is a parody on the old one's, it’s making fun of itself now.
- Is GoldenEye like Eagle Eye?
- You’re out of order! This whole court is out of order! – this is no way to interrogate hostages.
- James Bond pretends to be classy and isn’t, John Drake pretends not to be and is.
- Tank attack! Guess who? James Bond!
- “Fuck your fucking buildings!” –James Bond in a tank
- I’ve got it! This is like watching MacGruber!
- The tank got a statue! In related news, the statue was both a Pegasus and a Unicorn at the same time, and I’m pretty sure that’s not even legal.
- 006 = Two Face
- Lady Assassin = Poison Ivy
- Yeah, that Darth Vader train won’t attract any attention.
- Ram-ming Speeeeed!
- So if he kills the girl in the process of trying to save her, does that still go as one in the win column?
- There’s gonna be a lot of paperwork on this one, James
- So it looks like the real hero of this movie is Alan Cumming
- 006 isn’t a very impressive villain
- Oh, excuse me James Bond, I thought the world was in eminent danger, but take all the time you need for a Caribbean sex romp with the computer programmer!
- He is the most unprofessional spy I’ve ever seen! He doesn’t even really seem to be that good at it!
- And what’s all this crybaby bullshit about 006 betraying him—like he’s never been betrayed before, suck it up.
- Just when I think things can’t get worse—they do!
- Oh my god! Alan Cumming, what are you doing with 006!?! You jerk! Well, on the upside, I guess this role turned out to be a little fancier than it seemed.
- Boris (Alan Cumming) = The Riddler
- Mega satellite slide!
- The stick-on bombs look like restaurant pagers
- “Welcome to the machine, Bond!” – is something at least one person should have said by this point.
- Wow, what doesn’t GoldenEye do? Can it send you back in time to put right what once went wrong?
- Uh-oh, pen grenade.
- Why did they take the elevator in an explosion/fire?
- 006 and 007 look like they’re playing paintball, and missing a lot.
- He breathes loud
- This movie would have been better if there had been at least one dirigible
- James Bond, you fiend! That’s pretty gross to just say dropping 006 is for you and then actually do it! You seem pretty unstable James, maybe you should talk to someone when this is all over.
- This movie is a crime against cinema
- James, if you didn’t even know you were surrounded by Marines just now, you are the worst spy of all time.
- Wow, that was bad.
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