The 10 Most-Triumphant Fictional Musicians of All Time

I recently read an article listing ten of the best fictional bands of all-time, and like most things, completely disagreed with it. So much so in fact, that I decided to do something more than just complain and forget about it a few minutes later, but to instead assemble my own list of the actual most-triumphant fictional bands and musicians of all-time! [Cue evil laugh].

The most qualifying factor of the best fictional music is the ability to transcend the world of film and television, and stand on it’s own as music. Still, this isn’t all picking and arranging you know, I had to put a lot of thought into it, and by that I mean I just picked my favorites and put numbers next to them. From The Blues Brothers, to Spinal Tap, to The Monkees (who started out fictional, but became too awesome for tv, and turned into a real band, which Jimi Hendrix—actual Jimi Hendrix opened for on tour, only incidentally qualifies them), fake/real music will always have a place in our DVD collections and on our ipods, even if we don’t like to admit it.

First, a couple of honorable mentions that didn’t make the cut: Let the first you’re-not-quite-good-enough ribbon go to everyone’s favorite uncle’s band: Jesse and The Rippers. Although they only had the one hit, “Forever”, that at the time and now still, makes me throw up in my mouth, the opportunity to include Uncle Jesse or more importantly John Stamos in on anything I’m writing balances everything out.

The next close but no cigar award goes to the film Crossroads—no, not the Brittany one. The original film by that title is a 1986 classic that retells the story of Robert Johnson, but with The Karate Kid instead. At the “crossroads” (see how that works?) The Kid plays a guitar duel against the devil who bears a striking resemblance to master guitarist Steve Vai, but in reality, it’s actually a guitar battle between Vai and other master guitarist Ry Cooder (and I did not make that up) so it basically equates to the best guitar battle you’ve never seen.

Now, onto the good stuff, the ten best fictional bands and musicians in all of Fictitiondem!

10 The Archies – The Archies were spawned from the long-running comic of the same name, and gave rise to the animated band, including spin-off, Josie and The Pussy Cats. Together from 1968-1973, their few Bubblegumy hits like “Sugar, Sugar” are songs you’ve been hearing for most of your life without knowing where they came from. So if nothing else, let them act as a lesson that you should always know where music comes from before you put it in your ears.

9 The Partridge Family – You don’t have to admit it to me, but I know you’ve all hummed, whistled, or thought the lyrics to “I Think I Love You” or “C’mon, Get Happy” at least once in your life. The first family of fictional music toured around in a magical bus, everyone wore elaborate costumes, and there were no problems that a musical number wouldn’t fix. I know there was more to the show, but that’s all I remember, as I haven’t seen a single episode since the dispatching of Nick-at-Nite. The Partridges also put the funk in dysfunctional when they tried to take The Monkees route, releasing a whole mess of albums, and taking the road on the show, just without the lasting appeal and a lot more drama. Regardless, the real lesson here is that single mothers have gotten lazy, since the days of Mama Partridge, whatever happened to efficiently employing and exploiting your children from an early age? Those were the days…

8 Zack Attack—Yes, I have gone there. The chaotic, and overly-emotional single very special episode of Saved By The Bell where the gang gets together with their magically acquired acuity for all required instruments to form a band; go through the motions of becoming rockstars and the strain on their relationship throughout, only to come back around to the moral of their song “Friends are Friends Forever”, and remember why they got into the rock music business in the first place, friendship. This very special episode seemed to come back around and stick it’s young audiences with a double moral, or perhaps just a not-so-creative nod to The Twilight Zone when it’s discovered the whole thing was an elaborate dream sequence, it is but beginning, and the path of Zack Attack yet to be forged. For someone who grew up on SBTB, take my word when I say their little publicizes reunion for a rendition of “Wild Thing” while drinking and driving, episode entitled “Drinking and Driving”, was far superior to the original union.

7 Group X Arabian Rap Sensations – There is little known about this group that blurs the line between fiction and reality, and that’s the way they want it. You’d more likely recognize them as stick figures in flash videos from the interwebs. And adding to their legacy of confusion and misdirection, they actually perform live shows, but are always costumed to conceal their identities. Their infections songs, in skewed and broken English, are hilarious and instantly recognizable: “Bang, Bang, Bang”, “Shifty-Five” “Peanuts”, “Don’t Touch That” and a multitude of others will get stuck in your head for days, and likely influence your vocabulary as it did mine.

6 Wyld Stallyns – “I am Bill S. Preston esq., and I am Ted “Theodore” Logan, and together we are: The Wyld Stallyns!” Is practically a schoolyard cheer for my generation (whatever the hell it’s called). The Stallyns are musical underdogs, on the verge of being separated if they fail their history exam that is, until unsung hero, Rufus of The Future, shows up with a time-traveling phone booth for them to put right what once went wrong. Okay, I’m mixing my time-traveling methodology, but in the year 2068 Wyld Stallyns music is the basis of existence, and we would all be missing out on that most-excellent future were it not for a series of magical moments in 1989.

5 The Soul Apostles, Davis and The Brassy Knoll, and all of the musicians from Treme –This is an all-encompassing selection, including almost the entire cast of the HBO series, Treme. The series revolves almost entirely around music, all of the performances are recorded live, with a huge range of musical generas represented, and usually as per Louisiana style, mixed together into something completely different. The actors both portray, and play with professional musicians, and the professional musicians act on the show, but it’s not nearly as complicated as I've made it sound. It a nice change of pace to see actors taking an active role in the performances and not just lip-syncing. The bottom line is this, where else are you going to see folk legends like Steve Earl and Doctor John playing musicians other than themselves?

4 Sadie and The Po Boys –The whole Across the Universe soundtrack is noteworthy, and if ever there was a way to repurpose Beatles songs in a way that not only didn’t suck, but is actually exciting and new, the music from this film did it. The story of Sadie and The Po Boys is told supportavely, and chronicles their rise to fame in 1960s New York, only to break up, and reunite for an imprompt concert on the roof of a building. Acting like the madness barometer throughout, Sadie’s music narrates the increasingly chaotic nature of the story, and going somewhere that no film or musician dared go before, and probably never should again.

3 Dewey Cox – With his life story told in the film Walk Hard: The Legend of Dewey Cox, this is my secret soundtrack; the one I’ve never admitted is a constant staple on my playlists. This movie was panned by critics and audiences, but is actually one of the funniest and most insightful looks at the history of modern music. Best of all, Dewey Cox actor John C. Riley co-wrote much of the music, and preformed it himself, having the rare distinction of having “(Mama) You’ve Got to Love Your Negro Man” and “(I Hate You) Big Daddy” to his credit. The mark of a good sound track, fictional or non, is that it can translate beyond the film it’s self, and Dewey’s body of work encompasses all generations with an element of wit and humor that culminates in the film’s final ballad “Beautiful Ride”, and I recommend it.

2 The Commitments – The legend of The Commitments goes like this: a young Irish man wants to produce a band, and so he does. The gang comes together from all walks of life, fight, do sex, break up, reunite, break up, and occasionally come together long enough to play classic Soul hits from the ‘50’s and ‘60’s, in other words a near-perfect demonstration in music appreciation. Ultimately, things for the gang go more wrong than right, and never really work out, but the music is genuinely good, and unique—good unique, not I’m an artist unique, revitalizing and reimagining a style of vintage music that had long gone out of fashion.

1 Eddie and The Cruisers--This movie has Tom Berenger in it, and in fairness, this picture isn't from the movie, it's from Dogs of War, I just really like it. And now, this is me reminding myself that this article is about fictional music, and to stay on topic. Michael Pare’s; Eddie of and The Cruisers, fine skill for the art of lip-sync and ability to sound like Bruce Springsteen at the same time, led audiences to believe he was singing the music. Not so however, John Cafferty and The Beaver Brown Band (and I didn’t make that up either) are the men behind the curtain, and the vocal similarity to Bruce is simply coincidental. Creating its own legend, conveniently ruined by the forgettable sequel, the grind of becoming a musician became too much for artist Eddie who drove himself off a bridge to get away from it all—or did he ooooh, chills. The story really takes place years later, when a meddling reporter starts asking questions and inadvertently gets the gang back together. Did I mention, Tom Berenger is in this, because he is. This is another collection of music that stands completely on it’s own, and if it weren’t assigned to a fake group, no one would be the wiser, which is another reason it’s been on my playlists for years, and takes the coveted number one spot.

If I’ve left out your favorite, than I strongly suggest you write your own article and give me the what-for. If these acts are new to you, then I suggest you hit the youtubes and see what you’ve been missing. And if you know them already, good for you, you’ve just quantified your coolness, extending to the end of this sentence.

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